Friday, August 8, 2008

People Pleaser

Ever since I turned 30 I've been elbows-deep into turning my life around. As mentioned in a previous post, I've been lacking a reason for getting up in the morning. Nothing seems important/exciting/happy-making enough anymore.

About a month ago I realized just how much of a people pleaser I was, especially where my parents are concerned. I suppose I had known all along, but sometimes you need it brought to light to actually become aware of it. All these years I've been putting on a show, saying and doing what I thought would gain me the backing I needed to feel confident and successful. That never happened and I now realize why: my parents' insecurities about themselves lead them to react negatively towards me and the things I wanted to do which they had no confidence in themselves of doing. Does that make sense?

Living with my parents until now only made me blind to it longer. I find that graduating and then going straight into working in the family company kept me from seeing it. Everybody has the tendency to get complacent when their situation doesn't change, and that's exactly what happened to me. I lived many years as I had all my life - depending on my parents for every little thing. I hadn't realized how dependant I was becoming because the situation wasn't changing drastically. It was many small changes over a long period of time. I assume it would be hard for anyone to clue in right away when it happens that slowly. Personally, I just assumed it was the ebb and flow of life.

So, now I'm left having to be stronger than the average bear because I have to put whatever plans in action without the support of those around me (a. because of my parents' insecurities, and b. simply because I'm out in the boonies and lack daily human interaction much of the time). Bugger.

Becoming aware of this, however, seems to make it easier to move forward with the things I've always wanted to accomplish. Yes, Bill, we're baby-stepping.

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