Thursday, August 11, 2005

Drum Roll, Please!

Hope you enjoy the new layout +o)

To celebrate, here's a few jokes I found in my other blog which is now my weight loss journal.

A Little Bible Belt Humor
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prosititutes. Want to have some fun?' "

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "I have a solution to your problem, though. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

Chicken Recipe
When I found this recipe I thought it was perfect for those people who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is cooked thoroughly but not dried out. Give this a try.

6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked popcorn
salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan in the oven. Listen for popping sounds. When the chicken's ass blows out the oven door and flies across the room, the chicken is done.

The Arab
An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he
saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked
towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card
table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it. The Arab asked, "Please,
I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"

The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie?
Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"

"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you
that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that
way, they'll give you all the water you want." The Arab disappeared.

Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting
behind his card table. He said "I told you, about 4 miles over that hill.
Couldn't you find it?"

The Arab rasped "I found it all right. Your brother wouldn't let me in
without a tie."

The Mental Hospital
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital. When he went to tell Mary the news he said,

"Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses.

The bad news is that, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

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